Annaleigh's story...

Things to really think about while reading this article: Are you a supporter of the Marine Corps?  Do you take offense when someone says something ignorant about the Marines?  Do images of these guys with seen and unseen injuries limping off the battlefield and the photos of flag draped caskets bring a tear to your eye?  Do you support your husband no matter what and would advocate for his job in the Marine Corps and your patriotism?  Overall people are patriotic to the core.  This is our homeland, our military, our land of the free because of the brave and all that right?

Well, let me introduce y’all to a good friend of mine which y’all may see below referred to as Pacheco’s wife aka AnnaLeigh.  She is not so new to the circle of friends in my life but new to this blog.  She is a young, beautiful brunette & thin like most of us long to be, but also has very quick wit and a short temper for ignorance like most wives who been through what she’s been through.  

We became acquaintances under dire circumstances when I was still a family readiness assistant & personal assistant to the newest Family Readiness Officer.  She’d called me as her point of contact to tell me it was rumored around Facebook & the watercooler that her husband was missing limbs and they only found his head in combat yet she hadn’t heard any news from him or Headquarters Marine Corps in Virginia.  Cue the expletives!  Idiotic, insensitive individuals is what I will say about this situation.  This is what everyone meant in those trainings, seminars and meetings about the deployments in saying ‘loose lips’; these individuals should have kept their mouths shut about things they had no idea was true or not; when in fact her husband was absolutely fine.  Drama!  This is the main reason why most wives are apprehensive to be friends with other wives due to this ignorance and complete disregard for others privacy and feelings.

Her husband, Jason put Anthony on the Blackhawk out of Afghanistan when he was injured so we have always been thankful and appreciative for him in our lives.  Coincidentally after she’d talked to her husband about the rumors, just 10 hours later while on patrol he did happen to step on an IED, incur a TBI and lose his right leg and part of his pinky finger.  We became actual friends when our lives took an unexpected hard right turn almost at the same time.  Between the sometimes simultaneous doctors’ appointments, red tape of injuries, trying to figure out a way to forge on in the Marine Corps and get our guys better; our lives seemed to mirror in more than one way.

So you can see she is just as awesome as her husband and has been through more than her fair share of obstacles!  She dealt with unruly in-laws overstepping and overstaying their welcome while she’s trying to reunite with her husband after being in a combat zone and experiencing a horrific incident, this is enough to break anyone!  Not to mention both of them were adjusting to the injury itself and those obstacles, the medications, surgeries, opinions, therapies, prosthetics and all that comes with being in the hospital more than being at home.  She’s been his rock and he’s been so motivated to get back to where he belongs with his men that he was actually given that opportunity by the Commandant and Sgt Major of the Marine Corps and will leave soon to go back to Afghanistan.  

The other day there was a unit function to honor the Marine Corps birthday.  She was sitting alone while her husband and mine were running around somewhere and a random wife approaches her.  The young lady polite enough and possibly with innocent intentions said, “Hello there, who are you here with?” AnnaLeigh said she was there with her husband, Jason.  You have to understand this unit hasn’t been to war in a few years so the few injuries that occurred last year and the KIA most are in the know about.  But there was a huge drop of new boots since last year & change of command so maybe this wife must not have known who AnnaLeigh was because in typical sarcastic high school girl fashion said, “Well…it must be nice…” Full of self restraint and grace AnnaLeigh responded, “Yeah, it is nice.”  The inquisitive lady said, “Has he ever deployed?  Has he been to Afghanistan?”  AnnaLeigh once again with the patience of a saint informed her, “Yes, he has.  He went last year and lost his leg but he’s going back again soon.”  The young woman was speechless and must have been embarrassed and simply walked away.  

Now how AnnaLeigh kept it together I will never know, I wasn’t present to witness this teaching lesson.  But I do hope that young lady has more forethought from now on to actually learn a person’s story and not be so quick to be a smartass and stick her foot in her mouth before she disrespects those she doesn’t know from Adam.  Especially a Wounded Warrior Wife who’s been through so much in just a year’s time.  I hope that narrow-minded person learned a bit of respect for those who are left behind here whether they attend a mostly deployed unit’s event or otherwise.  Just because these guys appear 100% on the outside does not mean there are not scars there at all & are invisible to the naked eye.  Jason and Anthony both wore pants to that event but they are full of scratches, scars and pain no will ever know but the men they fought with and those closest to them.  The Wounded Warriors and their wives shouldn’t have to explain or justify any of that and neither should anyone else who is left behind after a unit deploys.  Everyone has a story whether they are asked to tell it or not.  

We’re taught to love one another and be kind.  Would you have judged a book by its cover in AnnaLeigh by having her husband at an event?  Would you have been so quick to judge and respond with a snark comment without knowing her story?  Do you think that young lady learned to look outside of herself and her situation and maybe won’t be so ignorant to the facts next time? 

AnnaLeigh could be you.  I know I have been in her shoes and many of you have.  Or are you the other party in this story?  This story can relate to so many whether your child is autistic; your sister has chemo treatments for cancer and has no hair, or even if you’re overweight or too different from others that people simply stare, whisper about you or talk about you.  Bringing awareness of judgment in others before knowing someone’s story isn’t anything new but I challenge you all to have open hearts and minds and to be nice to others because you never know what battle they’re fighting or story they have to tell. 

It's OKAY to ask for help...

Being military spouses we like to think we are more aware of the changes in our daily lives since so much can be at stake.  Yet here lately this seems to be on the contrary whether by coincidence or intentional avoidance.  Why don’t some wives step up and ask for advice or guidance from others when their husbands have changed since being overseas and others do?  For those who actually do notice a change but don’t say anything; the only reasoning I can think of is that the ‘weak-minded’ stigma associated with asking for assistance the service members typically have is bridging over to the spouses.

In war time decades ago a complete stranger could easily look at a person and tell that one: they were in the service and two: whether they were ‘shell shocked’ or ‘just not quite right’ after being overseas.  The era and circumstances were different but yet some things are still the same.  I’m not saying everyone who goes to on a MEU, embassy duty, training unit or overseas deployment will come back with nightmares or internal moral conflicts but sometimes these kinds of work-ups do take their toll on even the toughest service members. 

My main point of this article is ‘if you think you could use guidance or when in doubt; just ask’!  It doesn’t have to be a trained therapist but if your spouse doesn’t seem the same maybe bring it up to a close friend in casual conversation.  If they think what you’ve experienced in your spouse sounds off continue to seek answers.  Talk to others in your military family, the family readiness team, the chaplain or the local military support group members; whoever can relate and understand because they can help you work through this.  You’re their advocate and if you won’t fight for them who will?  You can help define their happiness in the present that will in turn positively shape the outcome of their future.  For the safety and sanity of your family ladies please seek guidance from others if nothing more than to ease your stress and uncertainty.

He may not want to talk about what’s bothering him with you and that’s okay, please do not take it personally.  It’s completely natural to want to shield those you love from unnecessary worry, stress and emotions if they think they’ll be able to internally work through this.  Sometimes just being around good role models of his unit, others who have deployed with him, his higher ranking officers, ect can give him some solid advice on how to proceed with his thoughts and dreams.  If they are stumped they know to lead him and you to those individuals who can better assist with the situation.  There is assistance out there for those who seek it.  I hate to say the word help because most think they’re bothering others or a burden on them but don’t think that way.  

Don’t attempt to force anything onto your spouse at all or even to say you understand what they’ve been through just be there to listen and love them through it all.  There’s no quick fix or magic pill to make someone forget what they’ve done or seen but there are people all over this country ready and willing to just be at your service and guide you back to your norm.  These folks want you and your husband to have the best possible relationship and in order to do that you have to make that sometimes very hard first step of making a phone call or going into an office to make an appointment but having an open heart to letting someone guide you back to your normal or a new normal is the ultimate goal.

Hurry up and wait...

There are many phrases and quotes in movies, television and music we could use throughout our gut-busting, tear-jerking, thought provoking lifestyle, right?! Especially country music any form or decade of it will have you swimming in tears!  “Crazy…” “You had me from hello…” “I will stand by you, I will help you through. When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope.  I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight..” “American Soldier…” For movies though, my version of the hilarious but truthful Forrest Gump quote is, “The military is like a box of chocolates, you never know what the hell you’re gonna get.” 

As a spouse we never really do know what is going on from one day to the next.  You can’t predict classes that take all day and night, training schedules, field days, or even injuries.   You take the day as it comes and try your best to conform to the military lifestyle motto of “go with the flow.”  This way of thinking also spurred the terms “Hurry up and wait” or “Semper Gumby” in some realms. 

‘Go with the flow’ serves as a sometimes daily reminder to remain as flexible as mentally possible to the military’s demands; quite like a Stretch Armstrong toy.  Am I jogging some memories of those awesome little toys?  Hey!  I may have to look on Ebay now for my kids as hands on training.

So I know what you’re saying, “it’s easier said than done!” I agree it is an ongoing battle to override the urge to plan things.  Typically I am involved in the unit enough to know bits and pieces but not always big things so as wives we rely on our husbands.  Normal and good to go right?!  Well the men normally as habit nod their heads but don’t actually retain any information we’re telling them so by the 3^rd time you’ve asked the same question it can easily escalate to you pulling your hair out I know!  I’m a planner by nature and it bugs me to the point of gray hair to not have the knowledge I need in order to plan or know the details to the littlest of things!  So if you feel boxed in or boxed out of things don’t feel bad at all it is completely normal.  Vacations 12 months in advance, setting up a weekend getaway or even plan dinner in advance can be difficult at times.  Keep pulling that Stretch Armstrong doll as a stress object and we’ll get through the craziness together. 

This lifestyle is very demanding and hectic at times but with a great guy by your side, many ladies ‘walkin’ this way’ with ya and the support of a nation we can conquer whatever the military has to throw at us.  We’re proud of our men and would like to see our husbands every now and again ahem ahem sir in charge!  Yet we’re deeply patriotic through and through enough to know we wouldn’t have our lives any other way! 

Have we been forgotten?

As the years have come and gone since the beginning of this war do you think America feels the weight of this war?  More than on the federal budget level though; I mean by remembering or even acknowledgment of the heroes who’ve paid the ultimate sacrifice.  Or whether they realize how the reality of war has impacted military families’ day to day lives?  Just let your mind wander on that for a quick second.  I’m not counting the current military families, those who are an extension through a loved one or who have prior military service realize the heaviness of this war I’m referring of the others we call civilians.

Most Americans are so wrapped up into their own lives, schedules and blackberries to even look up and beyond themselves to see more than their bank accounts, personal problems and insecurities to remember the military more than just what they see on the picture box.  Wake up, breakfast, drive to work then meetings, play on the internet and of course Facebook, eat again, drive home, pet the dog, dinner, sleep and repeat.  Sadly jaded and tunnel vision programmed for the most part with the exception of the weekend.  

It is pretty disheartening to those whose lives aren’t as normal.  I don’t know if the frustration is because we feel as if others don’t understand and grasp how we feel, our intense patriotism, recognize our sacrifices or if it’s just that since we’re such a small percentage of the nation we just are the runt of the litter and overlooked since some believe there are more pressing issues than our military and their families; maybe it’s all of those.  

Military wives never have the luxury of a routine as stringent and constantly have to worry about private life altering phone calls and unexpected, uninvited uniformed visitors every day.  Thankfully we get a daily reminder of why our guys are doing what they’re doing unlike civilians.  We get an instant refill of patriotism every time we wake up hearing those trumpets playing colors.  (By the way am I the only one who tries to experience that when visitors come to town?  The overcast, misty morning dew, standing by the flag as the uniformed service members perform the ceremony to raise Old Glory just gives you goose bumps every time.)  Then walk our kids to school to hear them say the Pledge of Allegiance and then to the Flag (if you’re in Texas hehe) then reality sits in and we silently think, ‘what kind of day will this be for my family with my loved one in harms’ way?’ Then whispers a prayer to keep her spouse safe so as he can come home soon.  

Veteran’s Day & Memorial Day ceremonies at the National Cemeteries, reenlistment ceremonies, seeing the bands play patriotic songs, graduation ceremonies, send-off deployment events, homecomings, Purple Heart ceremonies and KIA memorial ceremonies is what is normal to us.  As well as the kids crying for their fathers to hold them, tuck them in but can’t and always looking in the stands at baseball games they miss every game throughout the season.  These kids miss their dads on Christmas mornings, birthday parties, take your kids to work day and Father’s Day when everyone else in America has theirs readily available. 

Walmart, the grocery store, a football field, and even safe in your bed at any moment can be the place where our lives can change in an instant and our worlds completely fall apart.  This is our norm though and we do it without hesitation not because we have to but because we more than want to.  We gave our hearts away to our service members and they’ll take that once piece of us with them where ever the service takes them.

Good news is that regardless of the nation’s attention to our plight through it all we have our other military wives and those few who do understand to fall back on and help walk side by side through this incredibly demanding and surreal lifestyle.  If you haven’t ever thanked your mentor or someone who’s helped you accomplish deployments, work ups or any other military related activity do so.  Volunteer and make a difference in another wives’ life maybe even just helping another spouse who may need a little pick me up like we all do from time to time.  This life is not easy or for the faint of heart but we do have strength in numbers ladies.  Make it a great day today!

Welcome Aboard!

This blog is intended to be about the lifestyle of military wives, our routines, worries, highs and lows and overall how we make it through this journey in our lives supporting our service members. The intent for this blog is to be inspirational, funny, and an informational guide to those women who will soon go through or are going through this chosen way of life. Whether you’re military or not the interest has always been there for those inquiring about the way we live so hopefully I can also fill in the void to better understand where we’re coming from. I am only human so if and when I make an error please let me know; there are constant changes to policies and standards with the military in general in which I may not always be aware of.

Marine Corps, Army, Navy, Air Force, National Guard, Coast Guard and reservists all have different jobs which branch off into a hierarchy of front line positions and support staff. Depending on which branch you are in you will experience at times similar but also very different lives being married to a military service member.

Girlfriends, fiancée’s and new wives I’ve said this a million times the military life for everyone involved is not for the faint of heart and it is not just a job to the men by any normal definition; you become adhered and attached to it in more ways than one whether you like it or not. Your everyday schedule, holiday planning, anniversaries, birthdays, vacations; ect will all work around the military’s training and deployment schedules and not your own (some exclusions apply depending on the circumstance). Probably like most I wasn’t very fond of it at the beginning but have learned to embrace it and that being “Semper Gumby” aka extremely flexible isn’t so bad after all. Being the people person I am & helping out my husband’s unit has afforded me the privilege to be motivated by wives who have been there and done that already. I have met some amazing wives along the way. They’ve taught me that being a military wife in the 21st century is nowhere near as challenging as it was for those who came and went before us. Through time on our base & their stories I’ve acquired the knowledge and ability to basically roll with the punches, go with the flow, be thankful and grateful and just suck it up. There are very good and even some very bad times throughout this voyage but we have to be strong and able to overcome any obstacles that come our way.

If there is anyone out there who is in need of information, a little thicker skin, shoulder to lean on or to learn from you have come to the right place. This blog will be a learning tool and place for useful relevant information for wives who can or will benefit from this information in conjunction with the outstanding support of HonorVet.org.